by candle light in the warmth of my studio space.
warming my spine. falling and rolling. standing. sounding.
feels like someone is watching. I look outside and the street below is empty. I close my eyes and continue to move dreaming into the watcher. I feel/see? the presence of the shadowy figure of my killer, (the one who has assaulted me twice)whose breath is on my neck, as I move (as I exist). I shift into the watcher/killer and feel him move my flesh. He wants to be seen too. He is heat in the belly and sharp arms, his vision is like a hunters, tracking a whirl of night visions, I start to get edged out, and can no longer hold him. I slip back into my fear of him ( and some of the trauma of past physical abuse and assault), so I slow down, and call on the meta communicator in neutral. She is calm and sees that I am both the hunted and the hunter. I am curious about the the sharp movement the intense focus and tracking of the killer , and try working with those qualities. I notice that it is difficult in this moment to be so clear and direct with my movement, and even as I try this I feel a circle of watchers. I sustain the exploration of these qualities with an inner focus on the feeling of it, gaze downward. The heat and intensity of the movement becomes more and more fierce- quick turns and sharp directional shifts. Also the intensity of the watchers increases, but something shifts and I bring my gaze up to meet thiers I stay with the quality of movement and meet thier faces, this is difficult, they are my critics analizing each detail and position, realizing this for a moment fear tries to creep in and I hold the gaze and push through. I start to feel more relaxed in this state and soon I notice the quality of my movement has shifted to a more fluid and lyrical(kind of reminds me of a belly dancer) so I work with the feeling of being a belly dancer and how good it feels to move fluidly and rhythmically, sexy, and clear with each gesture and turn, there is something solid and also relaxed about this quality. I shift between the hunter/killer and the belly dancer staying connected to the gaze of the watchers. I need both of these qualities. there is more and I will just take a breath and see what is next.